剛剛聽到Sptify裡的一首歌叫做"越長大越孤單", 不自覺地被感動。今天我還在溫州，只有四個人知道我現在的狀態。我現在就是一種很割裂的狀態。我很煩。原因有很多。其中一個原因是看了王志安的視頻，裡面說了很多關於中國體制的不好的方面。我很絕望，不由得發出了一種讓我自己害怕的聲音，“我討厭現在的中國”。可以我現在有無能為力，誰來為我們的這種情緒來買單。是我自己想要去了解真相的， 可怕的是真相往往讓人絕望。所以我現在好想出去，好像去日本。但是又去不了，去日本念Phd是不可能的，獎學金太少。去日本工作的話，現在日語只會一些特別基礎的，因此還不夠。7月份我要去澳門大學助教，那個老師很希望我能留下來，可是他做的是材料科學。裡面要用到固體物理，量子力學，我基本沒有學過，我擔心自己弄不來。另外一點是我感覺我對他做的東西不怎麼感興趣。去也是帶著矛盾地去的。去了下一步我應該怎麼走呢？ 我真的不知道。我知道，我不再想回大陸工作，要回來就只會回到鄉下和家人在一起做自媒體。我就想我能夠在外面做出一些起色了在回去也不至於會照到周圍人的嘲笑。還有一點，我看到哥哥博士畢業了還是不能把握命運的那種無力感，我對讀博的信心一點點地消磨。現在我的心裡面真的很亂。 我應該怎麼做，難道我做的東西就真的沒有價值嗎？學而時習之，我的能力應該用到什麼地方呢？

I am so emotional right now, and I don’t know why. I’ve went to the city center to apply the Visa to Macau today, but I was told I can’t do this until I get the real copy of the permission from the government of Macao. Therefore, I wasted a half day. I should have called to them first. I was worried about my future. It seems that I am left behind by my friends at the same age....

When I turn to the English channel, it seems that I don’t know what to say. What do I need to do tomorrow, I only have about 2 months to prepare for the test. I need to build connections with all that I have learned. I practice tying these days. I bought a new keyboard with the blue profile.

I asked a question about English grammar on Quora. Then I received lots of professional answers.

Today I have exercised for 9 minutes in the morning. Then I read New Concept English in the bathroom. After that, I read a TED story about a magician holding his breath for 17 minutes. The story is about how to push himself to the limit. I am touched by his experience. If someone can do it, I can do it too. The only thing is to practice. Today I am tired because I didn’t sleep well at night....

I try to record my life using English from now on until I pass the IELTS 7.0. I’m going to use simple words to write down what I am thinking. Today I talk to many people. The first one is Mr. Cai. I ask him when can I go to Macau. And he says, I will go to register on 1st of July if everything goes well. This information is good for me because I can use this period to prepare IELTS examination once more....